The Stem Cell

Christopher Thomas Scott
World Press International

Port of San Francisco: April 1, 2009

The creepy contents of a container ship from the remote island of St. Moreau has wreaked havoc on the streets of San Francisco. One of the containers broke loose from its moorings and spilled its frightening freight on Pier 35, across from  the historic Coit Tower and near the city’s popular Embarcadero, a haven for joggers, sightseers, and other marginally fit people wearing too-tight Lycra.

The ghoulish goods: a swarm of angry chimeras, made by the island’s crack-smoking scientists. The dopers were attempting to ship the crazed creatures to the Las Vegas branch of the Cirque de Soleil. For years, Congress has tried to shut down the evil operation after Kansas Senator Sam Brownback lost his mother-in-law while she was sunbathing on St. Moreau’s famed pink sand beaches. A human-animal chimera that had escaped from  a nearby lab dragged the poor woman into a nearby swamp and devoured her. Witnesses say the freakish fiend bore a strange resemblance to Henry Kissinger. The former shuttle diplomat has not been seen in public for years.

San Francisco is at threat level red

An especially nasty interspecies chimera, called a Great White Tabby (see photo), severed the limbs of several skateboarders. Bystanders said the youths were taunting the fish–er, cat–with a laser pointer. Wealthy residents of Nob Hill were seen fleeing down California street, making frantic but unsuccessful calls on their AT&T powered iPhones. A pack of Reptiliostriches were in hot pursuit, clearly enraged by the  expensive handbags and shoes the citizens had grabbed as they ran from their mansions.

The National Guard announced they had set up a perimeter around the city and closed the Golden Gate Bridge.

After a sighting of a Chihuahua sporting boxing shorts and a Popeye-like pair of forearms, several  chimera experts, including authors of the National Academies’ Guidelines for Embryonic Stem Cell Research were summoned to the city. The report, among other things, warns of the unhappy consequences of mixing animal and human cells.  They joined officials from the world’s largest zoos and primate expert Jane Goodall. Plans for ridding San Francisco of the  violent varmints went awry when Goodall, 10,000 protesters wearing Grateful Dead t-shirts, and hundreds of PETA members chained themselves to various city monuments.

Goodall’s fate remains unknown.

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